First of all, there’s the obvious issue of Pedophilia. He’s over one Hundred years old. She’s sixteen. Now, most girls I know wouldn’t like a hundred-year-old no matter what he looked like. In real life, he would probably still act like a grandfather even though he still looks like the golden-haired pretty-boy of the eleventh grade. Then, there’s the necrophilia issue. He shows all signs of life, but his cells do not divide, he does not age, his heart does not beat, and he is technically a walking corpse. Next, He drinks blood to stay young. No matter how you turn that one, it’s creepy.

Next up, Dracula. He has the same issues as one Mr. Cullen, but my main problem with him is the fact that he’s always painted as a romantic character, even though he’s the villain of the story. He sneaks into the bedrooms of sleeping girls and drinks their blood as they sleep in their beds. Why does everyone think Dracula is this sexy, clean-shaven man in a cape with dark hair? In the actual story, he was a middle-aged to elderly man (depending on the point in the book) with a receding hairline around the temples, unnaturally thin with unnatural features and a White Fu Manchu Mustache. 

I don’t understand why people think Vampires are attractive. If you saw someone on the street behaving like that, you’d have one hand on your pepperspray and the other dialing the local police to report a suspicious character. Don’t even get me started on how people would react if you saw them in an airport. 

Not to mention that as a rule, Vampires (supernatural ones, at least), as a rule, are soulless. That’s why you can’t see them in a mirror or on film. (sorry, science. You can’t convince me that it isn’t light reflecting off the mirror or through the film, I’m sure it’s the soul thing.)

Now, it’s not actually the fangirls themselves who I have a problem with. It’s the characters they fall in love with. Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, Edward Cullen.

Let’s start with Harry Potter. Everything good about him comes from other people. Hermione does all his homework for him, and the only subject he was ever great at was defense against the dark arts. And even that came from Voldemort, as did his ability to talk to snakes. Seriously, he’s not even that clever. Whenever he’s in a tight spot, Hermione or Ron bails him out. The only real redeeming quality is that he’s described as good-looking and that he’s good at sports. Of course, that’s enough to be worshipped in real life.

Next up. Artemis Fowl. He’s not a likeable character. He’s smart, but he doesn’t like people. Every Artemis Fowl fangirl I’ve ever met automatically assumed that Artemis would love her. The problem is, even if he was attracted to her on a physical level, what would he talk to her about? He can’t tell anything about the fairies, which has been the center of every event in his life from the age of twelve to sixteen. And even if he talked about human matters, he would talk like a college professor. I’m betting the majority of twelve-year-old girls would be bored out of their minds with whatever he had to say, but because he’s not real, he’s idolized. Plus, I bet he would find them boring. He doesn’t watch the same TV the average teenager does, he doesn’t read the same books or do the same things. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to hear about TRL or whatever it is the kids watch these days if I had an IQ like Artemis’s.

Edward Cullen. Now, I warn you, I have not finished the book he’s from. But I’ve read enough to know he’s a creep. “Let me drive you to Seattle, several hours away, in a car where we’ll be alone for several hours without witnesses.” “Could I be considered scary?” I was listening to this book on my iPod, and I was honestly clutching the blackjack by my bed, just in case I turned around and saw this guy in my room. He’s a creepy pedophile, he’s a hundred and she’s sixteen. In real life, he’d be running from the cops. The girl who recommended this book to me was trying to explain that maybe I learn later that he’s not a creep, but until I see it for myself, I’m going to keep on holding that blackjack.

I feel like the reasoning behind the choices is that they are either alone or have the world against them. Because they’re the protagonist of the story, you automatically want them to accomplish their goals. So the thought creeps into the fangirl’s head, “The whole world’s against you… But I’m not.” And it’s the same thing with fanboys, only I’ve never met so many fanboys dedicated to the same character. It’s mostly because when a guy says something like “Hermione is mine!” people think they’re objectifying women, but when a girl says “Edward Cullen is mine,” it’s fine. It’s a double standard, I know, but it’s how it works.

Which is why I have a problem with fictional characters. I wish the authors would just announce to the fans “My characters have no interest in you.” That would solve everything. 

The other thing contributing to this problem is fan fiction. Fictional characters will do anything for anybody in a fan fiction. You’d be surprised how many I’ve seen where the author’s name is Lauren and Artemis Fowl falls in love with Lauryn. You’d be surprised at the number I’ve seen where Harry Potter adores Samantha and the author goes by Sammy. You know your obsession has reached an all-time high when you insert yourself into a Fan Fiction. 

So, it’s good to know what you like, but let’s try to keep it in your head. I don’t need to hear any more arguments about who Edward Cullen belongs to.