I have a severe problem with Hannah Montana.

Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 10:08 pm. 0 comments

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Hannah Montana is a soulless drone of the Disney Corporation. I’d like to say it’s not her fault, but I’d only be half telling the truth. One part of it is that her father’s forcing her to sell her appearance, voice, and name to Disney. I’m about her age, and I can tell you what, if my parents came up to me and said “How would you like to work for Disney?” I would probably say yes. But if they told me what would really happen, “They’ll have the rights to your face, your voice, your body, what you can say in public, what you can wear in public, and how you can act in public. They won’t have control over you as a person, just the physical parts of you and your personality.”

If anyone’s read the book “Brave New World,” Ms. Montana honestly reminds me of a member of the Programmed Masses of Huxley’s Dystopia. The only problem is, she isn’t content, ever. She has a net worth of over 17 million dollars. Her name and face is stamped on the backpack of half the girls between the ages of 3 and 14 in the United States. She’s a household Name. What more could she want? Simple, more money. Her recent Shameless Publicity scam in Vanity Fair makes me do a doubletake. On the one hand, I’ve always believed there’s nothing dirty about the outside of the human body (sorry darvit, everything below the skin is gross) and that there’s nothing wrong with showing it. Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. And as scandal pictures go, this one is possibly the most innocent on earth. More innocent than Genie-Obama, even.

Please Resuscitate anyone who just fainted at me comparing Barack Obama to Hannah Montana (Obama/Montana? Let’s look into that) But this picture shows her shoulder blades.

Now, I know that many of you overprotective parents out there have not broken the big news to your children that they have a body below the neck, but honestly, If I had a choice between my kid (Hypothetical) looking at Hannah Montana dressed like the girl on the Les Miserables posters and my kid looking at Lindsay Lohan un-dressed like Marilyn Monroe, I’m going to have a mural painted of Hannah Montana’s picture on their bedroom wall. Which actually brings me to the other scandal pictures of her. Little Ms. Green-Bra is quickly coming into her own.

Now, this might be the teenage guy in me, but what exactly is everyone’s problem with the green bra picture? I’ve seen parents allow their 8-year-old daughters to wear bikinis to the beach, but the same parents get all riled up when Ms. Montana shows her undergarments. She’s the good-girl of scandal pictures. Hannah Montana’s Vanity fair photo is a glass of Sprite. The Green Bra picture is a Shirley Temple, tops. By comparison, “A night in Paris” is a cup of tea using marijuana for tea leaves. So which drink would you want your kids drinking? The sprite you give your ten-year-old on New Years instead of Champagne? The Shirley Temple that your fourteen year old son orders, always hoping that the bartender will forget that Shirley Temples are non-alcoholic? Or pot-based tea?

You’re the bartenders here, parents of America. Let’s give the kids a delicious and relatively wholesome drink instead of a drink that’s obscenely illegal.