Okay, Dracula could beat the crap out of Edward Cullen. Cullen’s trapped in the body of a 17 year old, and Dracula has the body of a Wallachian Warrior Prince. Cullen’s been going to high school for 90 years, Dracula trained at the Scholomance.

Seriously, Dracula hits me as awesome. Cullen hits me as creepy and a pedophile (A 100-something guy should not even have thoughts about a 17 year old girl. I don’t care how young he looks). 

And judging by all the adaptations of Dracula that have him coming back from from the dead, he’s like a Doctor Who villain. Dracula is never dead for good, there’s always some crazy-far-fetched way to bring Dracula back, but (as far as I know) Cullen’s never been killed and brought back.

Plus, Dracula’s powers are greater than any other Vampire’s, for one thing he’s had them longer, and for another, he became a vampire at the scholomance, rather than actually being bitten.

Plus, Cullen tries to be a good person and not harm other humans, whereas Dracula is ruthless enough to kidnap babies and feed them to his wives. Cullen would probably try to fight fair, whereas Dracula would play dirty.

Also, Dracula and Cullen both have relative super-strength and invulnerability, so Dracula’s strength could injure Cullen and Cullen’s could injure Dracula. In other words, their powers each cancel the other’s out, so it comes down to a battle of physical strength, and since Dracula’s had his super-strength since the 15th century, so he would have better mastery of it. 

Sorry Cullenites, Dracula wins.

In a Halloween store. I went there looking for just the top of a superman costume, just the shirt, (my costume is Clark Kent– I wear reporter clothes over the superman costume and whenever someone asks me who I’m dressed as, I open the shirt to show them the Logo. Awesome, right?) and I went to look at the Superhero section. Between the unfortunate Joker masks and the Overly muscled Spiderman suits (both red and black) were the superman costumes. There was the simple one, bright primary colors, logo printed onto the suit, no foam muscles (probably intended for people with real muscles), something that looked like a literal version of Superman’s costume in the comics. Then next to it was the Superman Returns one, with foam muscles intended to make your entire front washboardy, giant poofy foam biceps, darker primary colors, and a 3D logo on the chest. This second costume cost $49.99. However, there was a costume next to it, the same 3D logo costume with a big orange sticker that said “CLEARANCE: $9.99 JUMPSUIT ONLY.” Sure enough, it was missing the belt and the cape (The boots are actually cloth boots that just barely fit over my size 11 feet). Now, I understand the foam muscles, they kind of make the costume look funnier.

I then got about a yard and a half of red fabric and made it into a cape, because you really can’t have a superman costume without a cape.

The problem is that they seem to have designed the costume for someone with a different shaped body than me. The torso is too short and the legs are too long, resulting in a severely awkward situation in the frontal area, no matter how many pairs of pants I wear under it. The costume expects my chest and shoulders to be about 1 and a half inches wider on either side, because the foam chestpiece is way too wide for me. The costume still looks good (I’ll probably have to find a codpiece to remedy the pants situation), but it only looks right if I’m striking a pose. It’s a good thing most of the costume will be covered by the shirt, but I plan on wearing this costume more than once, and I don’t know if I want to strike a pose for however long I plan on wearing it. (Not to mention a possible codpiece.)

Anyway, that’s what I spent the last half hour doing– Making a cape and drinking a Dr. Pepper in a superman costume.

How does my link even get to these sites? Who knows? Even if I had been to the sites in question, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave a link to my blog. I mean, I don’t mind them linking to my site, but it really confuses me. How did that even happen? Is someone going onto adult websites and posting my blog there?

Also, why my blog? There’s nothing sexy on this blog. When people are viewing adult entertainment, I doubt they want to hear about my issues with Edward Cullen. 

Anyway, to anyone referred by an adult website? I appreciate your business, but please comment and let me know the context in which you found my site. Like, I might understand if one or two admins on adult websites found my site interesting and linked to it, but there is an improbable amount of adult websites linking to my blog.

Like I said, it’s starting to flip me out.

Here’s the thing. NO. You can’t get all facebook users in one group. I know, because I will never, ever join one of these groups. Everyone needs to stop inviting me. 

What’s even the point of these groups? There’s already a group for this, it’s called FACEBOOK. 

Seriously… To anyone who has started or joined one of these groups, here’s a message for you: Your effort is pointless. Even if you get every other facebook user on earth to join your group, I will never join any group that tries to get all facebook users. Even if you have every other person in the world, you still won’t have one of us. And if I ever see you advertising “We Did it! We have all 70 million users!” I will make sure you know that I am still not a member, and never will be. You can officially stop trying now, because even under pain of torture I will never join your group.

This is not, for the record, the Two-Face from “The Dark Knight” nor is it in any way related to that. I don’t want to hear any bitching about “This doesn’t look or sound like the movie two-face” because it isn’t the movie two-face. It’s me. Doing a project. I’m not doing an impression of anyone.

Especially not anyone who’s ever played two-face.

And I hate the voice I do, and how often I look at the Camera as Two-Face.

First of all, there’s the obvious issue of Pedophilia. He’s over one Hundred years old. She’s sixteen. Now, most girls I know wouldn’t like a hundred-year-old no matter what he looked like. In real life, he would probably still act like a grandfather even though he still looks like the golden-haired pretty-boy of the eleventh grade. Then, there’s the necrophilia issue. He shows all signs of life, but his cells do not divide, he does not age, his heart does not beat, and he is technically a walking corpse. Next, He drinks blood to stay young. No matter how you turn that one, it’s creepy.

Next up, Dracula. He has the same issues as one Mr. Cullen, but my main problem with him is the fact that he’s always painted as a romantic character, even though he’s the villain of the story. He sneaks into the bedrooms of sleeping girls and drinks their blood as they sleep in their beds. Why does everyone think Dracula is this sexy, clean-shaven man in a cape with dark hair? In the actual story, he was a middle-aged to elderly man (depending on the point in the book) with a receding hairline around the temples, unnaturally thin with unnatural features and a White Fu Manchu Mustache. 

I don’t understand why people think Vampires are attractive. If you saw someone on the street behaving like that, you’d have one hand on your pepperspray and the other dialing the local police to report a suspicious character. Don’t even get me started on how people would react if you saw them in an airport. 

Not to mention that as a rule, Vampires (supernatural ones, at least), as a rule, are soulless. That’s why you can’t see them in a mirror or on film. (sorry, science. You can’t convince me that it isn’t light reflecting off the mirror or through the film, I’m sure it’s the soul thing.)

I think we have the real thing here.

I found it on YouTube, a user who had come into the picture by their own means stuck it on the end of the Series 4 Trailer. This is why I can’t guarantee its authenticity. It could be this guy photoshopped it, or made his own Davros costume and took the picture himself (with professional lighting and make-up, of course.)

Oh, and I apologize for the picture’s low quality, but hey. A low-quality picture that may or may not be fake (more likely not) is better than no picture at all.

Man, am I going to feel like a horse’s ass if Davros doesn’t appear in the finale.

I’ll post again when I find more.

Now, it’s not actually the fangirls themselves who I have a problem with. It’s the characters they fall in love with. Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, Edward Cullen.

Let’s start with Harry Potter. Everything good about him comes from other people. Hermione does all his homework for him, and the only subject he was ever great at was defense against the dark arts. And even that came from Voldemort, as did his ability to talk to snakes. Seriously, he’s not even that clever. Whenever he’s in a tight spot, Hermione or Ron bails him out. The only real redeeming quality is that he’s described as good-looking and that he’s good at sports. Of course, that’s enough to be worshipped in real life.

Next up. Artemis Fowl. He’s not a likeable character. He’s smart, but he doesn’t like people. Every Artemis Fowl fangirl I’ve ever met automatically assumed that Artemis would love her. The problem is, even if he was attracted to her on a physical level, what would he talk to her about? He can’t tell anything about the fairies, which has been the center of every event in his life from the age of twelve to sixteen. And even if he talked about human matters, he would talk like a college professor. I’m betting the majority of twelve-year-old girls would be bored out of their minds with whatever he had to say, but because he’s not real, he’s idolized. Plus, I bet he would find them boring. He doesn’t watch the same TV the average teenager does, he doesn’t read the same books or do the same things. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to hear about TRL or whatever it is the kids watch these days if I had an IQ like Artemis’s.

Edward Cullen. Now, I warn you, I have not finished the book he’s from. But I’ve read enough to know he’s a creep. “Let me drive you to Seattle, several hours away, in a car where we’ll be alone for several hours without witnesses.” “Could I be considered scary?” I was listening to this book on my iPod, and I was honestly clutching the blackjack by my bed, just in case I turned around and saw this guy in my room. He’s a creepy pedophile, he’s a hundred and she’s sixteen. In real life, he’d be running from the cops. The girl who recommended this book to me was trying to explain that maybe I learn later that he’s not a creep, but until I see it for myself, I’m going to keep on holding that blackjack.

I feel like the reasoning behind the choices is that they are either alone or have the world against them. Because they’re the protagonist of the story, you automatically want them to accomplish their goals. So the thought creeps into the fangirl’s head, “The whole world’s against you… But I’m not.” And it’s the same thing with fanboys, only I’ve never met so many fanboys dedicated to the same character. It’s mostly because when a guy says something like “Hermione is mine!” people think they’re objectifying women, but when a girl says “Edward Cullen is mine,” it’s fine. It’s a double standard, I know, but it’s how it works.

Which is why I have a problem with fictional characters. I wish the authors would just announce to the fans “My characters have no interest in you.” That would solve everything. 

The other thing contributing to this problem is fan fiction. Fictional characters will do anything for anybody in a fan fiction. You’d be surprised how many I’ve seen where the author’s name is Lauren and Artemis Fowl falls in love with Lauryn. You’d be surprised at the number I’ve seen where Harry Potter adores Samantha and the author goes by Sammy. You know your obsession has reached an all-time high when you insert yourself into a Fan Fiction. 

So, it’s good to know what you like, but let’s try to keep it in your head. I don’t need to hear any more arguments about who Edward Cullen belongs to.

Jar Jar Binks was allegedly meant to be a comic foil in the vein of C-3P0. What he ended up being was a racist caricature. Even if he weren’t racist (there are George Lucases out there who would argue he’s not), he’s still extremely annoying. You can’t understand a word he’s saying, and if you’ve never seen “The Phantom Menace” don’t even try to understand him. You could pretty much just mute the TV during the times he’s talking and make things up. Hardly anything he says is useful to the plot, and most of the time he might as well be saying “Feets, don’t fail me now!”

When I first saw “The Phantom Menace,” I didn’t understand why Jar Jar Binks was racist. But may I plead Seven Years Old? I still didn’t understand that the Black Crows from Dumbo were racist. I read several “Boondocks” strip which included “Wacky Fun with Jar Jar Binks!” So, of course, I asked someone to explain it to me. Instead of just saying things like “He looks a little too much like Blackface Comedians” or “His ears look like dreadlocks, and his voice sounds like a Bad Jamaican accent,” my father decided to have me watch a clip of Stepin Fetchit. Oh my God, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such likeness in my life.

I recommend that you watch “The Phantom Menace,” even though it is a terrible movie, just to know what I mean.